Removing the Mask
“Lumon Industries is the world’s leading biotechnology company, making life better for all of humanity. And with our acclaimed Severance technology, we’re making the work experience better than ever.”
In the 2022 TV Series Severance, employees of Lumon Industries agree to a medical procedure which means they separate their non-work memories from their work memories. The idea is that they never mix business with home life because they never remember home when they are at work and vice versa.
It's a science-fiction psychological thriller that further emphasises that this coveted work/life balance simply doesn’t happen in the real world: our work lives and personas are permanently entwined with our home lives.
In all of my coaching sessions, I can't remember a single conversation that has been purely work-related (sorry, HR people reading this!).
There are always other factors to consider stemming from the mental load that comes from running a household, caring for children, and creating a sense of purpose and fulfillment inside and outside of the responsibilities of work.
Stress is an inevitable part of life. Whether it's a headache caused by pressure or sleepless nights from worrying about the same thing repeatedly, stress can affect us all. No one is immune, and it can have a significant impact on our mental and physical well-being. So much so, that Stress Awareness Month has been taking place every April since 1992, and is designed to “raise awareness of the causes and cures for our modern-day stress epidemic”.
Talking about stress reminds us to reflect on the challenges we face and gives us a chance to consider different ways to reduce stress and overwhelm in both our working and personal lives.
So, what exactly is stress?
Stress is the body's response to any demand. It can be physical, like an injury or illness. Or it can be mental, like an upcoming deadline at work or a fight with a loved one. Stress like this isn’t necessarily always bad - it is a normal part of life - it helps us stay alert and focused. But when stress gets too high or continues for long periods of time, it can hurt our physical and mental health and lead to burnout. Being under heavy stress is proven to shorten life expectancy and exacerbate health conditions like heart attacks and diabetes.
Masking and stress
Masking is a coping mechanism often linked to neurodivergence for people to hide or minimise their differences and blend in with their neurotypical peers to avoid stigmatisation or discrimination. Research also states that many neurotypical people can feel forced to suppress aspects of their identity.
“Masking is the process of intentionally, or unintentionally, hiding aspects of yourself to avoid harm.” - Masking Is Life: Experiences of Masking in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults
Let me be clear that my reflections on neurotypical (NT) masking are not AT ALL intended to downplay the challenges and effects of masking on neurodivergent (ND) individuals. Rather, my aim is to use examples based on my own coaching experience with ND and NT clients alike to foster empathy and increase understanding.
When there’s a lack of psychological safety (read more on that in creating psychological safety within neurodiverse teams), colleagues might also worry about people judging them, which can lead to a continuation of masking.
Masking is when people consciously or even unconsciously hide their natural actions and feelings, which takes a lot of energy and effort. Think of masking like wearing a mask or using camouflage.
During the talks I gave to companies during Neurodiversity Celebration Week, I shared examples of what masking feels like:
Lonely
You’re stuck in custard and fighting to get out
You have an itch but you can’t move to scratch it
Being forced to write with your left hand when you’re right-handed
You’re an introvert and forced to go to five days of networking, 7am - 10pm
And it could show up like this:
Social masking:
Making eye contact when it feels uncomfortable: some autistic adults may find making eye contact uncomfortable or overwhelming. In social situations, they may feel pressure to make eye contact to conform to social norms, leading to discomfort or anxiety.
Mimicking the behaviour of others, like laughing because others are laughing: colleagues who find it challenging to pick up on subtle social cues (I see this in autistic adults in particular) can lead them to mimic the behaviour of others to fit in or appear more socially adept.
Staying quiet instead of speaking up: colleagues who prefer to reflect before responding may find it difficult to express themselves verbally or to communicate effectively in social situations. Equally, those who’ve been shamed in the past for speaking up can feel pressure to stay quiet to avoid being judged or misunderstood.
I've seen this happen when the meeting chair doesn’t want a discussion (divergent thinking) - they just want to find their one right answer and for people to agree (convergent thinking). In that situation, sometimes it’s easier to stay quiet than speak up.
Mirroring body language to appear part of the group: coming back to difficulty with reading social cues and understanding nonverbal communication, colleagues may mimic the body language of others to appear more socially engaged or part of the group.
Feeling exhausted after being around people: social interactions can be particularly draining for introverts (people who gain their energy by being on their own - not around others) and those who experience cognitive and sensory overload (excessive background noise/lights/bustle/multiple introductions all at once) that may result from navigating complex social situations.
From my own experience as an introvert and HSP, I experience social anxiety.
This means the thought of (and actually getting to) social situations can be overwhelming. I absolutely hate "networking" and "working the room" where you have to meet person after person after person. It always feels so superficial and false to me. I often find myself feeling anxious, self-conscious, and struggling to initiate conversations or assert myself in a group. I'll never be the loudest voice in the room. I'm a listener. A deep thinker. I'm okay with that. And now I know that about myself, I recognise the pattern of a weekly migraine that would come on at the thought of going to a regular networking meeting. My body physically hurt from the internal stress.
This can make it difficult to form new connections and maintain existing relationships and may lead me to avoid social situations altogether.
However, I have learned to recognise my triggers and prioritise self-care, such as meeting up with a friend in advance and attending a big event together, taking breaks when needed and seeking out quieter, more peaceful environments to recharge. Heck, sometimes I just leave the party early! With time and practice, I have also developed strategies for managing my anxiety and building stronger, more fulfilling social connections. And I embrace quiet leadership.
Behavioural masking:
Suppressing sensory response: to add to the above on feeling exhausted, some people are particularly sensitive to sensory input, such as background noise, sudden noises, or bright lights. This can be the case for HSP and autistic adults. They may suppress their natural responses to avoid being perceived as overly sensitive or difficult. Read more on HSPs and my own experience here.
Resisting emotional regulation behaviours such as the need to fidget (sometimes due to ADHD energy) or stim (repetitive actions like rocking or leg bouncing seen in autistic adults): stimming or fidgeting may be resisted in public to avoid being judged or perceived as socially awkward.
Hiding hyperactivity and challenging energy to give the perception of feeling/being calm: I see this particularly with clients with ADHD who may override hyperactivity or impulsive behaviours to appear calm and still in social situations.
Compensating time:
Spending longer on tasks: tasks may take longer to complete tasks due to processing differences or difficulties with executive functioning (self-control, emotional control, task planning, working memory, organisation, time management). They may compensate for this by spending more time on tasks to ensure that they are completed to the absolute best of their ability.
Using up more energy to complete tasks: some tasks will simply feel like hard work and take more energy. Even video calls take more energy than face-to-face meetings as people speak 15% louder - read more on that here.
Hiding an individual's true self leads to loneliness and feeling disconnected.
The stress of keeping up the long-term act and the emotional toll of masking can lead to sick days due to depression or anxiety. Ultimately, it can mean employees don’t get support from their company or those around them.
While masking can be a trigger of stress for ND colleagues, let’s take a look at some other indicators of stress and how we can recognise them in ourselves and others.
The symptoms of stress
Stress can cause a variety of physical and mental symptoms. Sometimes we don’t even put these symptoms down to stress right away. But if the stress goes on for a prolonged period then you might notice them getting worse. Some of the invisible symptoms include:
avoiding social situations
cancelling plans
headaches or migraines (like I mentioned I experienced)
muscle tension or pain
fatigue
difficulty sleeping
difficulty concentrating
irritability or anger
anxiousness or worry
Stress refers to the body's response to a challenging situation, such as a deadline or a conflict with a colleague.
It is a physiological response that activates the "fight or flight" response in the body, releasing hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. While stress can be a normal and healthy response to some situations, chronic stress can negatively affect physical and mental health.
Mental load is the invisible but very real stress that comes from constantly having to remember and keep track of everything, both at work and at home.
This can be anything from remembering to pay bills and schedule doctor's appointments, to keeping track of deadlines and projects. This mental load often falls on women, especially working mothers, but it can affect anyone who feels like they are constantly juggling a million different balls.
While stress can result from mental load, they are not the same thing;
mental load is more related to the brainpower to manage all of life’s responsibilities
stress is a physiological response to a challenging situation.
It's possible to experience mental load without stress and stress without mental load, although in many cases they can be interrelated.
The symptoms of mental load
The symptoms of mental load are often similar to the symptoms of stress, including:
difficulty concentrating
forgetfulness
irritability or anger
anxiousness or worry
feeling overwhelmed or like you're constantly juggling a million different balls.
Recognising masking behaviours and emotional disconnect
We already know that masking can be complex, so here are signs to look out for in yourself and others:
Feeling exhausted: Masking can be mentally and emotionally draining, leading to feelings of fatigue or burnout.
Struggling to connect with others: When masking, you may suppress your authentic self, making it challenging to form meaningful connections.
Feeling like you're playing a role: Masking can make you feel like you're putting on a constant persona rather than being your true self.
Hiding your emotions: Masking often involves hiding or suppressing your emotions, making it difficult to express your true feelings.
Feeling like an outsider: Masking can lead to feeling like you don't quite fit in with social norms or expectations.
Feeling uneasy or uncomfortable: When you're masking, you may feel a sense of discomfort or anxiety as you try to conform to societal expectations.
Emotional granularity
To be totally honest, it took me years to develop emotional intelligence.
Thanks to my highly sensitive nature, I have always been highly empathetic towards others, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I was able to improve my emotional granularity and identify emotions more accurately. Giving up alcohol and doing a lot of inner work on myself as part of the process was instrumental in helping me achieve this understanding of myself.
So while I’m chatting to you about emotions, here’s an emotional guidance scale I’ve found particularly useful over the years (and if the words don't translate into feelings, consider if they show as colours or feelings in your body):
Joy/ Appreciation/ Empowered/ Freedom/ Love Passion
Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
Positive Expectations/Belief
Optimism
Hopefulness
Contentment
Boredom
Pessimism
Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
Overwhelm
Disappointment
Doubt
Worry
Blame
Discouragement
Anger
Revenge
Hatred/Rage
Jealousy
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
Self-coaching questions to work through masking and emotional disconnect
What emotion is being projected outwardly versus feeling internally inwardly?
Is there a disconnect?
How is that making you feel (physically and/or mentally)?
What would the opposite of disconnect look or feel like (connection)?
What could you do to move closer towards a feeling of connection?
When will you do that?
Who can you tell about this for support or to keep you accountable?
Reducing stress
The first thing to note is that if stress is ever becoming such a problem that you are feeling unable to leave the house, feeling suicidal or are losing enjoyment in the things you usually do, then speak to your GP right away and get professional support and help. The NHS offers advice here and 111 can put you in touch with other organisations for more immediate help.
For some practical advice to overcome low-level stress that is starting to affect your home and work life (whether you realise it or not) here are 10 tips that might help you:
Make a List: Make a list of everything you need to do by getting it out of your head - your list doesn't need to be pretty or ordered. It simply needs to be out of your head so you're freeing up your mental bandwidth.
Prioritise: Prioritise the items on the list - what's urgent for today? What's important and needs to get done but not right now? What can wait? Is there anything that can be crossed off or delegated? Focus on one thing at a time, and don't try to do too many things at once. Not sure where to start because it all feels urgent? Ask a colleague or accountability buddy. Even ChatGPT can help with this - just don't plug in any confidential info. ;)
Automate: From bills you can set to pay automatically, to washing powder or dishwasher tablets on a monthly subscription direct to your house, automate as much as you can so you can set and forget. I'm terrible at remembering to do the flea and worming treatment for our pets, so now I receive a super helpful monthly text message from the vets reminding me that it's time for their treatment.
This helps reduce ADHD tax: the additional costs incurred by individuals with ADHD such as needing to pay for overnight deliveries because ordering was put off to the point where it became urgent or being charged late fees because a payment wasn't made in time. Automating as many tasks as possible is a helpful strategy for reducing ADHD tax.
Delegate: Delegate or outsource tasks you can't or don't want to do. This can be anything from requesting extra resources to support your work, to hiring a cleaner to support your personal life.
Boundaries: Set boundaries with your work. Consider and then communicate when you are online versus offline. I have a "personal mode" on my phone which means that certain work-related notifications are only on during very specific hours. If you send me a message to my business WhatsApp in the evening - I won't know about it until I'm back online the following day. I might run a business online, but I'm not online all the time.
Schedule Breaks: Take breaks throughout the day by scheduling them into your calendar or writing a post-it note for your desk as a visual reminder. I'll admit - I don't do this every day but I do always feel better after taking the dog out over a lunch break.
Make sleep a priority: Get enough sleep at night to feel refreshed and well-rested the following day. The amount of sleep you need is unique to you, so just make sure you have enough based on what you know to be true about yourself.
Exercise (and make it fun.): Exercise regularly in a way that's fun for you. Love cycling but hate running? Get on that bike more often. Love dancing but hate cycling? Dance more. Exercise has been proven to help reduce stress by releasing endorphins - the body's feel-good chemicals.
Make your “you” time non-negotiable: Make time for yourself and the things you truly enjoy - even if it's just a few minutes per day to do something that lights you up and energises you. Reading. Walking. Chatting. Socialising.
Keep talking: Use the emotional scale (further above) to help identify how you’re truly feeling inside to help you talk to someone who will understand and either listen or offer up helpful solutions.
Top tip here - the best way to get the most out of a conversation is to specifically tell the other person whether you want them purely listen or offer up solutions. Sometimes you only need the other party to agree that life’s a bit shit atm… not think up creative solutions.
Noticing acute (short-term) versus chronic (long-term) stress
As I mentioned, stress is normal. And some stress is short-lived, without it we wouldn't be able to do certain things. But how do we know the difference between acute stress and chronic stress? And how do we recognise when the scales start tipping in the wrong direction?
Acute stress can inspire you to take action. When under this stress for an upcoming deadline, for example, it can help you to really focus on getting the task done.
If however, you regularly ruminate (play the same situation over and over in your head), think about work when you’re not being paid to, not sleeping, and feel sick purely at the thought of going to work - that’s potentially leaning towards chronic stress, so please do seek the right support.
Summary
Stress Awareness Month is a useful reminder to reflect on ways to reduce stress and overwhelm in both work and personal life, but we need to reflect on this throughout the year.
Coaching and an approach called “coaching the whole person” means recognising that individuals are complex and multi-faceted beings, and that their personal and professional lives are intertwined.
It involves addressing not purely work-related issues, but also personal issues that may affect their well-being and performance. By taking a holistic approach to coaching, my clients work towards achieving a sense of balance and fulfilment in all aspects of their lives, leading to greater overall success and happiness.
Because let’s face it - would anyone really want to work at Lumen Industries? Not me.
Smiling woman with brown hair and a white shirt. The background is blue.
About
I'm Victoria Tretis, an ICF ACC certified coach, trainer, and speaker.
🧠 It's estimated that up to 20% of the world's population has an element of neurodivergence. So how are you supporting one in five employees who think, learn and respond differently?
When workplaces are set up for the neurotypical, bias and exclusions creep in. Without a neuroinclusive approach, team members can become frustrated and disengage, impacting both team cohesion and staff retention levels. With the right support, employees gain confidence in their skills to thrive - boosting, morale and profitability.
📱 To book a discovery call for me to share insights on neuroinclusivity and how that can support your world of work, simply find time in my online calendar here or send me a private message if you're reading this directly on LinkedIn.