When an "Upper Limit Problem" leads to self-sabotage
Have you heard of upper limit problems? It’s a phrase coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap.
Hendricks believes that every single one of us has a standard-like setting, a thermostat if you will, that determines how much success and happiness we allow into our life.
Hendricks calls this an upper limit problem (ULP) moment, like the word GULP without the G.
Has there ever been a time in your life when it's all been going great? Better than great? And then all of a sudden you're hit with a big financial outlay, or a cold that knocks you off your feet? It suddenly feels like two steps forward and one step back? I know I've been there.
This is an ULP moment in full effect: when life co-conspires with our internal thermostat in an attempt to bring us back down to where's comfortable.
It all sounds a bit "woo woo", doesn't it? But I see it play out all the time. Let me explain.
Upper limit problems
Play small - it's safer
Back in 2016, I had resigned from my job and was working my notice, all excited about setting up my own business. I'd wanted to turn my internal thermostat up.
Quickly, however, things started going horribly wrong:
my daughter got ill and we had to cancel our first ever family holiday which we'd been scrimping and saving for.
the washing machine needed repairing.
then the car cost thousands to repair and keep on the road.
This pummel of "bad luck" quickly wiped out the entire financial buffer I had put to one side to help support my family while I was going self-employed.
Honestly, the thought of retracting my notice crossed my mind far too many times because creating a business felt too hard before I'd even started. My limiting beliefs were telling me to get back down to my preferred thermostat level.
Play it safe, Tretis. Stay in the job. It's stable. It's predictable. Stay in the job. It's the safer option.
Playing small and safe
Fast forward to 2017 and I would get weekly migraines like clockwork whenever I prepped for a networking meeting where I'd have the opportunity to gain more business and build my reputation. It was a weekly opportunity to turn my thermostat way up.
Play safe, Tretis. Stay quiet. Don't speak up. They might judge you. Stay quiet. Don't go. It's the safer option.
I specifically remember one migraine that came on minutes before a personal training session just before my 40th birthday. I have a LOT of emotional baggage about my weight and my illogical brain will tell me that it’s easier to stay a few pounds over my ideal weight and blend into the background (not stand out) in baggy clothing. Anything else would have turned my thermostat up.
Play safe, Tretis. Stay that size and weight. Keep blending into the background. They might judge and look if you lose weight. Don't go. Stay feeling frumpy, Tretis. It’s the safer option.
Instead, when I get a headache/cold/something minor but where I'm not feeling quite right, I try to figure out what it could be about – what’s it trying to stop me from doing? Being visible and potentially judged or mocked? Being visible and being a success? What am I afraid of? Failure or success?
For complete disclosure: migraines are HORRIBLE! I still get them now and of course they crop up for all sorts of reasons - dehydration, having too much sugar, etc. I am not saying anyone can "think themselves positive" out of a migraine but, for me, the upper limit problem was definitely part of the cause in the situations I described, and the migraine was the symptom. I wanted to unpick that.
Unconscious upper limit problems
There are other forms of ULP moments which lead to (often dramatic!) events that we're not actively aware we even wanted. Let me explain.
The employee who wanted to leave but didn't fully realise it
A couple of years back, an employee of mine made a series of mistakes and literally stormed out of the office mid-afternoon and left me to pick up the pieces.
They returned the next day, on time, apologised and announced they thought it might be better for us both if they just quit.
In the weeks up to this event, they'd already been vocal about not wanting to work over the summer, then complaining about the work and their development plan.
Looking back, their unconscious mind had already made the decision to leave - their conscious brain just hadn't realised it yet.
So it created this dramatic event of storming out and leaving me to pick up the client deadlines. In their mind, they were doing me a favour by resigning after their recent behaviour.
Whereas, if they’d owned the decision that they no longer wanted to work with me and simply handed in the notice, the entire decision would have been on them.
Because what was the alternative? Take two steps forward in terms of growth by staying and taking ownership for the mistakes? Staying and becoming a massive success? It's easier to take one step back and realign with that internal thermostat.
Freelancers and upper limit problems
I've seen situations where the freelancer unconsciously wants the client to end the contract because of unconscious ULP moments. The freelancer is:
not being as responsive as before
missing deadlines or submitting things late
not being as "on it" as before - and if anyone were to mention this, it'd be a case of quoting a 24-hour turnaround time in the contract or the service level agreement
By creating the above situations, the freelancer doesn't have to step up and lead a potentially difficult client conversation about wanting out (two steps forward in terms of growth). Instead, the client is forced to make that decision for them.
Sound familiar? I know I've been there! And I now see it as a sure sign that I need to turn inwards, face some hard and difficult feelings, and take ownership of my self-sabotage to find a way forward.
Break the cycle of ULP moments
Take a moment to reflect on how ULP moments might be playing out in your own world - either in what you see in others or inwardly in yourself.
When was your last ULP moment?
What was really going on?
What was stopping you from taking two steps forwards?
What feelings come up for you when you think about taking one step back?
Is it fear of success or even fear of failure?
What can you do differently going forward?
Ready to explore coaching?
If you’re curious about what coaching could help you achieve, why not book a discovery chat with me to see if it’s right for you? No pressure, commitment or obligation. Just a conversation about where you are versus where you want to be and how we can bridge that gap.